I'll begin with the fashion critique for this year...

When you hear them ask, "Who are you wearing?" on the red carpet, about the last thing you would like to hear in response is "Mickey Rooney".

"The official results are in...we are dorks!"

Here we found Danny Glover returning from doing a line of coke in the restroom.

Lisa Rinna just had to feel for herself...yes, Joey Fatone is literally the fat one from 'NSync.

Speaking of fat ones, it looks like Dev Patel and his friend smoked one in the limo en route.

Here is a novelty for this year...an on-line picture of a fully dressed Vanessa Hudgens.

Miley Cyrus was ripe to be peeled.

Heidi Klum threw something together with some leftover Christmas bunting.

Glinda the good witch from Oz showed up. Or is it Sarah Jessica Parker?

Tilda "WTF?" Swinton

Freida Pinto looks great, but check out Virginia Madsen (background) looking to see how Oscar measures up.

Amy Adams forgot to remove her bib at dinner time.

Penelope Cruz arrived looking to get married.

Marisa Tomei had the same idea.

Kelly Lynch: actress by day, matador by night.

Ginnifer Goodwin decided that wearing a lamp shade would be a good idea.

Jenny Craig spokesperson Queen Latifah. New slogan: "We sure ain't Slim Fast!"

Jessica Biel: Fresh out of bed, wrapped in her sheets.

Run for your lives! It's the Mummy! No, wait...it's only Taraji P. Henson.

Get out of the water, it's a shark, there is blood everywhere, and it is eating Virginia Madsen!

I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. When do we get to unwrap Amanda Seyfried?

Slumdog Millionaire actors or Pitt-Jolie adoptees?

And now, on with the show...

ZZ Top must have won for Best Song, right? No, this is Ben Stiller (alongside Natalie Portman) stealing the show with his Joaquin Phoenix impersonation.

A.R. Rahman and Gulzar won for best song, Jai Ho which with my limited translation ability to Hindu translates as "I have a whore". Either that or it is what Indian dwarves chant while off to work they go.

In answer to the age old question...who wins a fight when you pit a dog (Bolt), a ninja panda (Kung Fu Panda and a robot (Wall-E) against each other?, we now know the answer is the robot. Wall-E claimed the Oscar for Best Animated Feature.

Not to be confused with Wile E. Still a loser.

No longer under Cruise control, Penelope Cruz took the Best Supporting Actress award for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Are you paying attention, Katie?

Accepting Heath Ledger's Best Supporting Actor award for his role as The Joker in The Dark Knight on his behalf were his father Kim, mother Sandy and sister Kate. Apparently Heath had a previous engagement. Had he shown up, people might have been a tad freaked out.

Sean Penn scooped the Best Actor prize for his role as assassinated gay official Harvey Milk in Milk. I suppose he owes some thanks to voters for voting for Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage in California in the recent election. But isn't Penn supposed to be a method actor? If he was unwilling to be assassinated in preparation for the role, I really have to question his dedication to his craft. Poseur.

But poor Mickey Rourke. First his dog Loki dies. Then as the favourite to win he loses to Penn. But then this indignity when they delivered him this tux? Well, they do say bad things happen in threes.

Kate Winslet was named Best Actress for her portrayal of a Nazi guard in The Reader. Now how do voters discern which performance to honour from amongst such great ones as provided by Winslet, Meryl Streep, Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway and Melissa Leo? Easy...you pick the one who showed her bewbies! Take note for future reference, fellow actresses.

Ummm...not you, Dame Judi Dench.

Slumdog Millionaire seized eight of the ten awards it was nominated for, including Best Picture and Best Director for filmmaker Danny Boyle. For just a few weeks in the slums of Mumbai, Boyle could be the subject the title is in reference to based on the success of the film. Cha-ching!

I know India is a country with a billion residents, but did they really all have to climb onstage to claim the award?

Judging by the applause during the memorial segment, it appears that the audience was happiest to see Paul Newman die. They were also glad to see Charlton Heston, Sydney Pollack and Ricardo Montalban go. Tough crowd.

I must say Jackman did a good job in the limited time he had, so he was able to retract his Wolverine claws and avoid gouging his reputation. In fact, the only time the claws were out on the night was when Jennifer Aniston took to the stage with Angelina Jolie sharing a good laugh with Brad Pitt in the front row.

There you have it. I wish the show would have served up more material to ridicule, but it was actually fairly entertaining, efficiently run, free of controversy, and most of the stars look great. I hope you enjoyed my recap regardless. Thanks for reading. I appreciate any feedback, so pipe up!