Beijing Olympics Recap

Every four years, an event occurs that is so historic, so momentous, so unparalleled, so anticipated by millions of people, that it must be marked for posterity. It's not what you're thinking. I do blog more often than once every four years,believe it or not. I was actually referring to the summer Olympics, and you're in for a treat as I provide observations in my unique way. So without further ado, I bequeath to you my 2008 Beijing Olympic Recap...

On 08/08/08, the 29th Olympic Summer Games opening ceremonies commenced in Beijing, China.

Temperatures in the National Stadium, known as the Bird's Nest (above), averaged about 30 degrees Celsius (86 degree Fahrenheit) in advance of opening ceremonies. The official air pollution index for Beijing was at 94, similar to levels of moderate pollution recorded earlier in the week. The WHO recommends levels below 50 for healthy air, while China considers anything above 100 to be harmful to sensitive groups including children and the elderly. Sucks to be them!

Smog was a major concern before the games began, so the opening ceremonies were far from the only thing that was breathtaking in Beijing. China's flag bearer was Yao Ming, seen below escorting a Sichuan earthquake survivor alongside him.

Ok, you survived an earthquake, kid, do you want a medal? Let's see how you fare against the smog! China will be prepared if the natural disaster decathlon is ever added as an Olympic event.

How bad was the smog? Spain's 7' 0" Pau Gasol and 7' 6" Yao were set to lay a beating on the next person to ask, "How's the weather up there?"

Oh no! The Olympic torch set the moon on fire!

No, not really.

The official motto of the games One world, one dream would seem hypocritical in light of China's human rights violations. All this does remind me of something though...

Hmmm...I can't quite put my finger on it.

Oh, yeah! Hitler at the 1936 Munich games.

Like I'm far off base? The military presence was everywhere. Shown below are Chinese soldiers doing a goose-step that would be the envy of any true Nazi.

Another concern before the games was China's sorry history of human rights violations. They are hardly the sole culprit. Saudi Arabia sent an all male athletic contingent (above) after banning women from participating. Surely they believe all people are equal, they'll even tell you as much with a knowing wink.

Here are athletes from Tibet as nations carry flags into the stadium. Followed closely by those from the Darfur region of Sudan.

China is a mysterious land, a veritable Never Never Land in the eyes of many. Oh, children are allowed to grow up, but only if they aren't victims of forced abortions, infanticide or neglect under the government's strict one child only policy. And look, it's Tinkerbell igniting the Olympic torch!

Actually, that was former gymnast Li Ning.

Lin Miaoke Yang Peiyi

If the opening ceremonies appeared to look too good to be true, they were. Nine-year-old Lin Miaoke's inspirational rendition of Hymn to the Motherland touched the heartstrings of viewers everywhere. Controversy was sparked a few days later when it was discovered that Yang Peiyi, a seven-year-old, actually recorded the song. Ladies and gentlemen, Lin Miaoke, the Milli Vanilli of China! The news of the Beijing lip-synching came amid confirmation that one of the myriad fireworks displays during the opening ceremony, the 29 "footprints" segment (below), was pre-recorded.

29 footprints or one sneaky misstep?

Now, let the games begin!

The Czech Republic's Katerina Emmons secured the first gold medal of the Beijing Games in the women's 10-metre Air Rifle competition, and broke the world record in the process. And what better way to promote the Olympic ideal of friendship among peoples than to award superiority in weaponry? I wonder if Truman was pissed that 1945 wasn't an Olympic year. Thus inspired, a Chinese man stabbed the in-laws of the U.S. Olympic men's volleyball coach, killing one and injuring the other while they visited a Beijing tourist site near the main venue where Olympic competitions began Saturday.

Beach volleyball is my favourite sport. I have a deep appreciation for the precision of the serves, the power behind the spikes, the finesse required for the sets, the bravery behind the blocks, and the effort put into the digs. Who am I kidding??? Dude, it's babes in bikinis!

Questions about the ages of China's gymnasts arose. There were suspicions, fueled by U.S. coach Marta Karolyi, that as much as half the team wasn't the required age of sixteen, but that didn't distract them, including Deng Linlin (center), who turned in a gold-medal-winning performance in Beijing.

In 1976, I had the biggest crush on Nadia Comanechi, who wowed the world with multiple perfect scores of ten. Now, if I had a crush on this year's darling gymnasts, I could anticipate another ten. That is ten to twenty years in the slammer.

So, tell me...when did gymnastics become a circus event for midgets?

U.S. gymnast Alicia Sacramone reacts during the gymnastics Women's Team Final. Her team was in front until her two major miscues on her last two exercises relegated the Americans to second place, allowing China to earn the gold, a crucial swing in the medal race between the two superpowers. I wonder if Sacremone is Italian for choke.

Gold medalist Nicole Cooke of Britain encouraged jokes about British dentistry as she stood on the podium during the medal ceremony for the women's road cycling event.

In the pool, controversy was sparked by the use of Speedo swimsuits, although American Katie Hoff was disappointed with her Beijing results.

Sorry, wrong Hoff, wrong Speedo! But the new Speedo LZR Racer is on the cutting edge of technology, and drastically reduced the times of swimmers.

Right Hoff, right Speedo.

Alain Bernard of France (above) boasted that the French 4x100 freestyle relay team would "smash" their American counterparts, thus ending Michael Phelps quest to win eight gold medals. But as Bernard anchored the final two laps, he inexplicably swam too close to the lane marker, thus allowing American Jason Lezak (left) to draft alongside him during the last several meters, allowing him to propel past and steal victory at the wire. It really was no surprise, because everyone knows it's impossible to swim with your foot firmly planted in your mouth.

Afterwards, Michael Phelps and Garrett Weber-Gale invoked the spirit of another former Olympic star, Johnny Weissmuller.

Michael Phelps must be hell on metal detectors. This guy now has more gold than Fort Knox. The Mandarin word for "eight" sounds similar to the word which means "prosper" or "wealth". In regional dialects the words for "eight" and "fortune" are also similar, so with his quest for eight gold complete, no translation is necessary for cha-ching!

shuang xi symbol meets Ren and Stimpy

There is also a resemblance between two digits, "88", and the shuang xi ('double joy'), a popular decorative design composed of two stylized characters symbolizing 'joy', 'happiness'. So "88 88 88 88...happy, happy, joy, joy times two," Mr. Phelps says!

"Does this gold make my ears look big?"

This Phelps kid has potential if he sticks to swimming.

Rice is a staple of the Chinese diet so it was fitting that Stephanie Rice, a hot dish from Australia, won the gold and set a world record of 2:08.45 in the 200m individual medley.

Malaysia's Tan Boon Heong, (above, right), whacks the shuttle cock between his legs as teammate Koo Kien Keat looks on during their match against Japan's Shintaro Ikeda and Shuichi Sakiamoto in the mens doubles badminton quarterfinals. I repeat, that’s shuttle cock, you pervs. Get your minds out of the gutter!

Some people think of badminton as a sissy sport. Denmark's Peter Gade must wonder whatever could give people that idea?

The equestrian events are proof that man and beast can compete together in a display of beauty, grace, elegance and athleticism.

And then there is Samantha Albert of Jamaica riding a horse named Before I Do It in the Individual Cross Country event.

Spain's basketball team tried to view their experience from their host's perspective.

Venus Williams of the USA reacts during her women's tennis singles quarterfinal match against Li Na of China. Na na na na, Na na na na, Hey, hey, hey, Good-bye!

Arrrr! Spain's Rafael Nadal swashbuckled his way to Olympic glory.

Olga Kaniskina of Russia walks towards the finish line on her way to winning the 20km walk. Race walking. Silly walks belong in Monty Python sketches, not the Olympics. How is walking a sport? Anyone can walk. If couch sitting ever becomes an Olympic event, I have years of training!

Bronze medallist Ara Abrahamian (R) of Sweden throws his medal on the floor during the medal ceremony for the men's 84kg Greco-Roman wrestling competition. Then he picked up his toys and went home.

In the Games' prestige event, the men's 100 meters, Usain Bolt eased up before the finish line and was still able to break the world record in 9.69 seconds, leaving his competition in awe. Usain Bolt? Lightning bolt is more appropriate, for to say he is faster than the speed of light is not much of an exaggeration! (I am sure I am the first person to incorporate such a witty play on words with his name. Really.) Amazingly, he had to beg his coach to add the event to his repertoire. And who says lightning can't strike twice? (Again, another bon mot I'm sure eluded the media types!) On his twenty-second birthday, Usain completed the unprecedented world record breaking sweep by claiming the 200 meter dash. Usain? Insane!

Shelly-Ann Fraser won the women's 100 meters Sunday night in 10.78 seconds to help make these Olympics a sweeping success for the Caribbean island. Fraser was followed across the line, steps later, by teammates Sherone Simpson and Kerron Stewart, who both finished in 10.98 and both collected silvers—giving Jamaica the first sweep of medals in a women's 100 by any nation at any Olympics or world championships. For anyone who likes their women fast, Jamaica is the place to be, mon!

Members of Canadian men's eight team employed a catch and release strategy when it came to coxswain Brian Price.

To keep you abreast of further developments, here is some of the titillating action during the Australia vs. Greece water polo match, and reason why some feel live streaming of video feed from the games is a boo boo. Having this photo of Christina Tsoukala circulating may knock her for a loop and have her bust into tears. Hopefully she has some bosom buddies on her team to console her.

How appropriate that it was a Greek athlete who exposed herself because the original Olympics were created by the gods on Mount Olympus and were held in the nude. The waterpolo photo has me thinking a return to that format is a good idea.

The photo of the medalists from the women's 78 kg+ judo competition?

Meh. Not so much!

Robina Muqimyar of Afghanistan competes in the women's 100m heats during the athletics competitions in the National Stadium. Muqimyar, who in 2004 broke the gender barrier on the Afghan Olympic team, was last in a field of 85 in the women's 100 meters in the rather pedestrian clocking of 14.80, ample time to knit a hajib to cover her head along the way.

Olympic 110 meter hurdles champion and Chinese national hero Liu Xiang was greeted by a deafening roar for what Chinese have called the "biggest competition of the year," but their hopes were crushed when he pulled out due to injury. Could it be that his pulling out had less to do with injury and more to do with the fact that Xiang's world record was broken by Cuban Dayron Robles? Or the fact that the government's stance that everything Liu had accomplished to date was meaningless, and this year's result was all that mattered? The weight of such lofty expectations could make anyone's hammies tighten up in a hurry! Since May 23, Liu had kept himself almost entirely out of public view. With tickets for the heats being scalped for $145-290 U.S., the 90,000 fans in attendance had come to cheer, "Liu!", which soon turned to a more derogatory rhyming chant.

Anna Pavlova was angry with herself for failing to notice the light was still on red when she sprinted up for her disqualified vault in the final, bringing back bad memories of the 2007 world championships where another zero on the apparatus cost Russia the team bronze medal. This time it cost her the individual gold.

Hey, Anna!

Nyet!
Da!
What you missed out on! (gold)

After finishing a disappointing seventh in the women's 100 meter hurdles, a disconsolate Lolo Jones of the U.S. was still trying to come to terms with the fact that her parents named her Lolo.

It does take a certain amount of bravado to perform the aerial feats necessary to bring home gold on the trampoline. But if balls was the only requirement, my money would have been on the bronze medalist.

Softball has been eliminated as an Olympic sport until at least 2016 due to U.S. domination in the sport.

Here, Yukiko Ueno and Yukiyo Mine of Japan celebrate winning the gold in softball. I repeat, cancelled due to U.S. domination in the sport.

Kim Jong Su of North Korean was stripped of his silver medal Friday in the 50-meter pistol and bronze in the 10-meter air pistol after testing positive for banned substances. Taking roid rage and the fact that this guy is a decorated marksmen, would you want the job of informing him of the International Olympic Committee's decision to strip him of his medals???

Lyudmila Blonska was stripped of her Olympic heptathlon silver medal after she tested positive for the steroid methyltestosterone. Blonska blamed her coach Sergei Blonsky for the positive test. Yes, her coach is also her husband. Something tells me this union won't last.

"That's not the way we perceive being a champion," chief IOC fuddy duddy Belgian Count Jacques Rogge pouted of the Jamaican sprinter. "I have no problem with him doing a show. I think he should show more respect for his competitors and shake hands, give a tap on the shoulder to the other ones immediately after the finish and not make gestures like the one he made in the 100 meters."

Let me get this straight...the old fart remains silent about all the broken promises China made to land these games, and this is the battle he picks? Bolt was a breath of fresh air at these games, is respected and liked by his rivals, and universally adored. Count Jacques Rogge? You suck more than Count Dracula! I think we've found the candidate to inform Kim Jong Su (the Korean marksman) of his disqualification!

Cuba's Angel Valodia Matos kicks the match referee, Sweden's Chakir Chelbat, in the face after being declared the loser in his bronze medal match in the men's taekwondo +80 kilogram class. Matos attacked the official, throwing punches and kicks. Finally, someone tries to make corrupt judging accountable! The taekwondo competition was marred by several protests against calls by judges. I nominate Matos to take over for Rogge as IOC head honcho.

U.S. sprinters dropped the baton in both the men's and women's 4x100 meter relay preliminaries as did the favoured Jamaican women in the finals. Both British foursomes botched exchanges as well. Surely they could parlay their misfortune into gold through the natural endorsement opportunity here...

An interesting footnote to the athletic events: South Africa's Natalie du Toit made history as the first amputee swimmer to compete in an Olympic Games. Russia's Larisa Ilchenko took gold in the women's 10-kilometre marathon swim as du Toit failed to get a leg up on the competition, finishing sixteenth. Yes, I said it!

I love the Olympics. What better way to celebrate goodwill among nations than friendly competition at the highest level conducted with exemplary sportsmanship, as demonstrated when Bulgarian players celebrated their win against Japan in their men's preliminary pool A volleyball match? Well, perhaps that was too friendly for polite company, but you get my drift.

Lest we forget...we saw a lot of goodwill too when Sarajevo hosted the world in 1984. Just a few years later Yugoslavia was a war torn country. So despite the facade put on by China...bullshit politics, bullshit censorship, bullshit propaganda, bullshit ticket scandals, bullshit dissident arrests, etc. lead me to think that instead of dubbing their stadium the Bird's Nest, perhaps a more apt name would have been something else it closely resembles, a bedpan.

So that about wraps it up. Gather up your macs and your wellies and we'll see you in London in 2012, hopefully without the controversy.