Hello.

My name is Mark Birman I'm job manager in RuAmerica corporation.
We're searching for new partnerships in continental USA.

Let me say few words about our company.
We're working for several years worldwide, providing the best
service in Shipping and Transporting. We work with European
countries for 4 years. Our partners are USPS, FedEx, DHL, Ebay, Amazon and many
other shipping companies and shops. We're providing financial services too.

Let me say about the position we offer.
It is called Correspondence Assistant/Representative. It is new
position for us, and it is very valuable now. In August 2003, many
European countries changes their rules for customs and taxes for
merchandise, sent from countries, that don't belong to EU. This
means, that package that is sent from a company - will be a subject
for VAT in Europe, but the package that is sent from a person -
doesn't have VAT. Because of that, prices for shipping services
grow, and we try to reduce them. And we need YOU.

Your task - to receive packages that will be delivered to you, and
redirect them, following our instructions.
Packages will be delivered by courriers to your location.
Then you will be given money for shipping fees.
Your fee is 25 USD per package you receive.
No start up fees! No out of pocket fees! Nothing to pay!

IMPORTANT. We put names of our customers on the packages, so names will be different from yours.

We will inform you about incoming packages. We pay you via PayPal,
wire transfer, Check, Money Order or Western Union. Your
commissions will be paid every two weeks.
We will make agreement which you will sign and return back to us.
In this document all responsibilities and duties will be conrirmed.
If you are interested in this offer, or have more questions
please fill application form refer to http://softdesignsng.com/vaca...

Thank you for your time.

Best regards, Mark Birman

Hello Mark Birman! Or shall I call you Mr. Birman seeing as our relationship pertains to business? No, too formal. The Birminator? I’ve got it! The Birman of Alcatraz! So, ummm…Marky Mark, if you’re searching for partnerships inside the continental U.S., Canada seems an odd place to start, but who am I to question your business savvy? First I was reluctant to take you seriously because would a renowned company such as RuAmerica (Now is that Ru as in “rue” or is it more like “Arooooo!”? I’d go with the latter myself. It’s way more fun to say!) be contacting me through a Yahoo e-mail account? But I noticed the account was ladylauren@yahoo.com, so obviously someone trusts you enough to use their account. Either that or you have a naughty little secret. Do you like women’s clothing, Marky? I kid! I kid! Then I heard from you again, this time from ladylight99@yahoo.com, so you’re trusted by two lady friends. I never took you for a playa! You’re my new hero. Way to go, dawg! You also e-mailed me from a redsox406@aol.com account. If your company has ties with the World Series champions, you must hate the Yankees as much as I do. You can’t be such a bad guy. I hope you can use your connections to score me some prime tickets come playoff time.

It just occurred to me there could be three different Mark Birmans working for you. If it’s some kind of company policy that you have to change your name to Mark Birman in order to work with you, count me out!

Ok, back to your e-mail. First you tell me you want to say “few words” about your company, then you proceed with this long spiel. I mean, shut up! You had me at hello.

A bit of free advice-you talk about providing the best service in shipping and handling, then mention an affiliation with the USPS. Very funny, but leave the jokes to me from now on, ok?

This new position you offer called correspondence assistant sounds lame. If I take the job, can you change the title to Correspondence Wizard instead? I even have a cloak and hat that will make me look official and everything. Speaking of new positions, have you tried doggy style? Lady Lauren and Lady Light may be receptive to trying it. You can thank me later.

Back to business. Your website raises a few concerns. I have handled my own package several times, but I’ve never sent, received or sorted it. I wouldn’t know where to begin. And now that you mentioned it, I’m afraid to check for missing parts! I’ve never handled the packages of other guys before. Wait a minute! I see what you’re doing. Is this Ashton Kutcher? Am I being Punk’d? You wanted me to say I’m willing to handle the packages of other guys, then you’ll bust me on television, right? Right? But let’s say you are on the up and up. You say you want honest and bright people. Well, I’m certainly honest. The latter is debatable. Your site also states you seek people who are fluent in English? Look, bubba, I read your e-mails. You’re in no position to be critical of grammar. And I think your policy of not hiring underage people is discriminatory. If it’s good enough for Nike and Kathie Lee Gifford, it should be good enough for you.

Now I’m happy to say Mark and I cleared up a few misconceptions I had and I’ve been in his employ for a few months. Things couldn’t be better. But now I have a few concerns and I’ve raised them with Mark and his answers have become increasingly evasive. Read our correspondence and judge for yourself.

*Note: Whether the following correspondence actually took place or not is entirely dependent on your gullibility.

Dear Mark

This package I just received to send to a Mr. Jacques Chirac appears to be ticking and is marked as fragile. Shouldn’t we increase the S&H to ensure safe delivery? If it’s a new alarm clock, I’m sure he wouldn’t want it to arrive damaged.

Rick,

That ticking is product of your imagination. Please disregard

Best regards, Mark Birman

Dear Mark,

I can’t quite make out the name on the return address on the package to Mr. Tony Blair in England. It looks like Al somebody. Al Queda? Can you please verify?

Rick,

Sorry, there has been mistake. Name not important. Please cross out.

Best regards, Mark Birman

Dear Mark,

I wanted to put in a good word for the courier who just dropped off the latest package at my door. He handled it with the utmost of delicacy as he carried it and set it down. Me and my butterfingers could learn a thing or two from his carefulness. Then he sprinted to his truck as fast as he could and sped off. I could see the sweat spraying from his brow. Such enthusiasm for his job is admirable. Can you tell me how to contact his boss so I can praise this dedicated worker.

Rick,

Will you just please do your fucking job? Asshole.

Mark Birman

Dear Mark,

Your English seems to be improving. Have you been visiting New York?

Rick

Rick,

Allah! Oops! I mean, Jesus! Will you please, please focus on business we try to conduct?

Mark Birman

Dear Mark,

What’s with the funny suit the courier was wearing today? He looked like an astronaut on a moonwalk or something. No, wait! It looked like one of those decontamination suits. Funny Hallowe’en is months away. The green, glowing package was cool though.

Rick

Rick,

Stop contacting me over frivolous matters, you stupid infidel! I mean, you fucktard!

Mark Birman

Dear Mark,

A white powdery substance was leaking from the package to Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder of Germany. I thought, “Cool! Powdered doughnuts!”, but the powder didn’t taste very sugary. But that can be attributed to the fact that I must have been coming down with something. I’ve become very congested since then, my eyes are watering, and my throat is aching. My temperature is through the roof too. I sent a sample to you special delivery to your office so you can tell me what you think. I think I need a holiday. You’re working me to death. Since that day of the glowing package, my hair has been falling out and I have these strange sores all over my body. Can I come visit you? I’d like to think we’ve become friends. Sorry if these e-mail is a few days late. I really haven’t been well.

Rick

Dear Rick

I am regretting to inform you that Mr. Birman is away on sick leave. You will conduct business matters with me from here on out.

Best regards,

Amaso nib Nedal

Anyway, the RCMP has now frozen my Paypal account and informed me these are bad people so I’m not supposed to ship anymore packages for them. But that’s ok because I just got an e-mail from a person informing me that I just won a lot of money in an international lottery. They were nice enough to enter my e-mail address for me. This is my lucky day!