Prefabricated E-mail


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Prefabricated E-mail
06.27.05 (11:05 am)   [edit]

E-mail Made Easy. I Do the Work. You Get The Credit.





We all know how time consuming e-mail can be. Hell, it can be a full time job in itself. So, I've done you a favour and written one for you. Cut the following letter out and paste it in a new e-mail message. Just substitute the name of the intended recipient with one of the provided ones ( or use a provided one if appropriate) after deleting them along with the brackets. Then simply select the bracketed phrase that best suits your purpose for each sentence and delete the others as well as the brackets. Feel free to insert your own phrases, I'm not as poetic as friggin' Hallmark. I hope you find this to your liking. Just send me your credit card info and I'll bill you an amount I deem to my liking. You can thank me later. Enjoy!



Dear (Muffy, John, Mr. Gates, friend ),



I'm very sorry that ( I called you a hairy orangutan, I have to tell you this, you're the biggest geek on the face of the earth, I haven't written in a long time ). I ran off ( a list of reasons why that was offensive to orangutans everywhere, with Antonio the cabana boy, a copy of my butt on the photocopier that looks like your face, the road when I spilled hot coffee in my lap and have been recovering ). I want you to know that I love ( the way your knuckles scrape the ground when you walk, the way he stirs my daiquiri with no hands, to see your wimpy, little ass hauled into court and raked over the coals for your attempts at world domination, that trick you do with the midget and the baton ). I think you ( are beginning to smell like the zoo that you must have broken out of, are obligated to know that it's not just because he can give me an orgasm, can insert your Windows Xp in your own floppy disk if you know what I mean, ought to take a break from the cyber sex because your keyboard is getting sticky). I heard that you ( have taken the term "swinging singles" to a new level-literally, moved back in with your mother, hire someone to perform your manly duties for you, haven't shaved, showered or changed your clothes in weeks ). Do you know that there are ( bunches of bananas with your name on them, people who can help you stop yelling her name during sex, corpses with more personality than you have, birds nesting in your armpit hair )? It looks like your ( resemblance to a largely herbivorous arboreal anthropoid ape that is two-thirds the size of a gorilla and has extremely, long arms comes from your mama, engagement ring can now be pawned for a case of beer, money can't buy you any friends, belly button is starting to grow mold in it ). I wish you would ( stop jumping up and down while screeching at the top of your lungs, not be bitter and provide a reference so Antonio can get his green card, receive a massive electric shock to your testicles every time my computer crashes, take out the trash before the flies get sick and do it themselves ). Well, I guess I should ( go tell the zookeeper where you are, apply more suntan lotion to Antonio, call tech support-something's due to go awry again, log off before you realize that I'm on-line ).



Love,



( Insert name here. )

 


posted by: carcinogen (reply)
post date: 06.27.05 (11:13 am)

Dear Bawdy,

What an (interesting, strange, not really functiona, grand, wonderful, silly) idea! I am (going to, not going to) use this (right now, ever)!

heheheh....actually, this was a kick to read. I know now that I am not the only one with too much time on my hands.



posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 06.27.05 (11:57 am)

Reply to: carcinogen

Thanks! It's actually pulled from my archives. I changed it from Windows 98 to Xp to post here. I've been too busy dealing with a psychotic lately to come up with anything new.



posted by: AmyLeeZealot (reply)
post date: 06.27.05 (4:00 pm)

lol that's funny..but too bad I have no credit cards...and I never will XD



posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 06.28.05 (9:43 am)

Reply to: AmyLeeZealot

Thanks. :-) Why not? Even if you don't use it often you can at least establish a good credit rating which looks good if you ever want to secure a loan or something. You just have to avoid the temptation of using it to run up debts.



posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 06.28.05 (10:01 am)

well done sir.



posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 06.28.05 (10:41 am)

Reply to: surrogate

Do I look like a waiter? Sheesh. Oh, wait, you meant the post was well done. Thanks!



posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 06.28.05 (3:59 pm)

This is like the "Choose Your OWn Adventure" books I read as a kid, only way cooler.



posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 06.29.05 (10:10 am)

Reply to: jennjr

Thanks. Those sound like cool books. I remember doing something like this my freshman year in college. It was a letter I mailed to three friends. It was pretty funny.



posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 06.29.05 (10:52 am)

Reply to: bawdy
I wonder if they still make those books...they WERE cool.

This could be fun: a Choose Your Own Adventure Blog! :)



posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 06.29.05 (11:48 am)

Reply to: jennjr

Ok, you do the writing, I'll take the credit!



posted by: jennjr (reply)
post date: 06.29.05 (4:16 pm)

Reply to: bawdy
LOL!



posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 03.15.08 (12:42 pm)

Reply to:

Huh?

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Your Comment: