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More Fun With A Spammer
05.26.05 (12:49 pm)   [edit]
I responded to a new con artist's e-mail (a different variation of the Nigerian scam). First read her e-mail (in bold text). My response follows.


I am Miss Mariam Aledu, a daughter of Dr and Mrs.
Johnson Aledu all from Liberia Repulic, Africa.

My father was killed in an assassination attempt
which ended the life's of my mother , my immediate
younger brother and my finace leaving behind I and
my other younger brother (Alfred Aledu) by troop
suspected to be Rebels on the 15th october 2001 "
What a tragedy, May their Souls Rest in Perfect
Peace....Amen.

My father was a formal Minister of Power and Mines
to the ruling Government of Charles Teloy and the
assassination was believed to have done because of
my father's undiluted loyalty to the Government.

Since April 2002, I and my brother had been living
in this Spanish Island, Marlloca, as refugees. Now I
have developed the faith that with you, that the
vaccum created by these tragic event will be filled
up believing that you are going to take absolute
care of emotional problem caused by this tragedy and
care for my brother (Alfred).

Above all, before the death of my late father, he
deposited a box containing sum of Five Millon, Three
Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$5.3 M)
with a Security Company here in Spain on agreement
which i was the next of kin to. I and my brother
struggle to smuggle ourselfs into spain because we
have a copy of the certificate of this deposit and
the key that opens the box. The security company
did not know the content of this box because it was
tagged "Aledu Family Effects".

I would like you to help us transfer this money into
your personal account for business investment and
help assist us secure visa to your country so that
we will join you there.

I am 26 years old, I obtained my first degree in
computer technology four months before the death of
my parents last year which turned my life upside
down.

I am fair in complexion ,1.6 meters in height, I
weigh 68KG and an ad ant faithful Christain.

My hobbies includes listening to scientific and
political stories , listening to new and old music,
reading papers, novels and scientific books and
admiring people's greatness achievements and talents

Write or mail back to me immediately and assure me
that i am in the rightful hand , I expect to hear
from you.
Wishing you the best in life

Mariam Aledu.


Hey Mariam!

I've been waiting to hear from you. My psychic friend, Miss Cleo, told me you'd be in contact after your father was assassinated. Well, it just wasn't happening, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I hired a soldier of fortune named Haji to speed things along. It seems he got a little carried away in taking out your mom, your fiance and your brother. Whoopsy! Oh, that Haji! He's such a free spirit! I'll have you know I docked him five bucks per head from his fee. Boy, am I glad to hear that you're a faithful Christian. Knowing you'll find it in your heart to forgive me will help me sleep at night.

Let me know if you want Haji to take care of Alfred too. Imagine having to go through life with a sissy-boy name like that! It would be for the best, knowing how cruel other children can be. Then you wouldn't have the responsibility of having him tag along on your journey. A simple shot to the heart can solve a lot of problems sometimes. He'll never know what hit him.

I'll gladly forward my personal banking information, but first you must promise me you won't disturb the existing balance. Instead of acquiring a proper visa or even a forged one, may I suggest stuffing yourself in a crate and being shipped as cargo instead? I live in Canada. Trust me, passing customs will be a breeze.

You make no mention of financial compensation for my assistance. I therefore assume by disclosing your height and weight, you are offering sexual favors as a reward. 68 kg? I like a little bit of junk in the trunk. Do you have big boobies? I like boobies too! Do you have pictures of yourself? I hope you don't have the face of a horse. Although Smarty Jones is pretty cute...

But I digress. I'm sure you're really a good shag and all, but I'm afraid I must also ask for some financial recompense as well. After all, I already paid Haji $10,000.00 (U.S. funds), minus the fifteen dollars I mentioned earlier.

I notice we have much in common. I enjoy reading. And I like new and old music, as opposed to music that is not new. Or old. Promise not to bore me scientific or political stories, ok? I can't tell you any of those, but I know a lot of jokes that will make you blush.

Please get back to me soon. Haji is rather pissed, and I'm afraid his rampage isn't finished. God bless you, and God bless Liberia!

Rick

Here's Mariam's reply followed by my response.

Sir/Madam,

Thanks for your respond despite it wasnt encouraging but i most beg for your assistance if really you have the cabacity to do so because me self and my family are dying in silence but if are able to get this money out the security firm where is presently deposited as family treasure we will be very appreciative to you and any body who you feel can provide asistance.

please let me know if can provide the needed assist so that my brother afred can get in contac with you for deatil information about the said consignment.

Thanks,hoping to hear from you soonest.

Mariam/Afred.



Hey Mariam!

Damn. I know monkeys that can spell better than you by pecking at random keys on the keyboard. Is English your native tongue? Perhaps I can learn Swahili or whatever language you're most comfortable with. Have you picked up any Spanish while in Mallorca? Please talk to me in Spanish. I think it's a sexy language. Although I don't speak it myself, it would make me very horny. Especially if you talk dirty.

You want me to talk to Alfred? But I like talking to you, baby. He's not expecting to join us during sex too, is he? I draw the line there! He can watch, but that's as far as it goes. We can probably teach him a few things. I hope you like to experiment. I have a few ideas I read in Penthouse forums we can try.

I guess you didn't like my crate idea. For a Liberian refugee, you're pretty nit-picky. Can't you just swim? I guess you're afraid of sharks too. Look, as long as you can out-swim Alfred, you'll have a fighting chance.

Is money really this important to you? As a Christian, you've already accepted Jesus as your savior. You're already rich in his eyes. All you really need is love. Would you like me to send you a copy of Watchtower magazine? I'm not a Jehovah Witness or anything-it's just that those bastards left one in my mailbox.

Please let me know how I can further assist you. I'm getting a woody just thinking about you.

All my love.

Rick

Alas, Mariam did not answer me.
17 Comments
 
Having Fun With A Spammer
05.23.05 (2:48 pm)   [edit]
I received a new version of the old Nigerian scam some time ago. I decided to have some fun with the spammer. The e-mail I received is in bold type below. My reply follows.

Dear Friend,

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

My name is BATES ALAN a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer.

It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity

organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia.

Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars $18,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.

I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.

God be with you.

BATES ALAN

OH MY GOD! Bates Alan! Your story has left me in tears. It warms my heart to hear that you have seen the light and wish to make amends after living your life as a no good, wretched soul. It's nice to know that the good in you has won out and you are thinking of those less fortunate when you yourself are in your hour of need.

I don't understand how your cancer has defiled all forms of medical treatment. It must be some kind of voodoo. You must have been a very bad man. Now all those women I've given herpes to will have to suffer, not to mention all those whiners with diseases and stuff. Oh wait! Did you mean defied, not defiled? Whew!

I am truly honored that you'd choose me, a total stranger, to act as a liaison in this matter. And if you can't trust a perfect stranger with $18,000,000.00, who can you trust? Am I right? Shame on your family for their greed! Pig fuckers!

But Bates Alan, wait...I bear great news! You won't believe this, but I too was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer that wouldn't respond to even the most aggressive of treatments. Then one day, I shoved a pineapple up my bum, and it went away. Please don't ask why I did such a thing-that's another story. The important thing is that I was cured and maybe you can be too. God works in mysterious ways. Now if only I can find a way to remove the pineapple...

But I digress. I imagine that once you too are cured, you will still be anxious to follow through with your charitable pledges and not go back to your wicked ways, so I eagerly await your next correspondence! God bless you, Bates Alan!

Sincerely,

Rick

I heard back from Bates Alan and here was his reply...

Dear Rick,

It is a thing of joy to receive your reply and to know that you are interested in assisting me in achieving my good deeds. I need you to be sincere and have the aim of the deed at heart. It is to assist the needy.

As I said in my previous mail, I have a short time left and I am in severe pains as I type you this mail. For this reason, I have forwarded all the documents that concern this transaction to my trusted lawyer, who resides in Europe.

You might still be wondering why I decided to contact you instead of using members of my family. I tried them earlier and they failed by converting the funds for their own use. This was when I was undergoing my last operation and they eventually thought I wouldn't make it because the doctors said the possibility of survival was slim. After the operation, I discovered that the funds were not used as I instructed. I couldn't do anything about it because they are my family members. I have decided to use a neutral fellow, who is God fearing and who also has the interest of man-kind at heart.

My state is so bad now and I don't know if I will still be alive to see this aim achieved but wherever I am, I will be happy if it is eventually achieved.

My friend, if you have the interest of the needy and you wish to assist is accomplishing this dream, come ferry with me in my canoe because it can accommodate two.

I decided to send you some picture by attachment.

As soon as you indicate interest, I will give you contact of my lawyer in Europe, so that you can carry on the transaction with him.

Hope to get your support.

BATES Alan.

And he sent pictures of himself.

=http://img33.photobucket.com/...

=http://img33.photobucket.com/...

=http://img33.photobucket.com/...

Here was my response to Bates Alan...

Dear Bates Alan,

I was worried when my first attempt to contact you failed. Your mailbox was full. You must have many, many loving and caring friends concerned about your ailing health. Oh the joy I felt when my second attempt was successful! Can you be so kind as to send me the address of your hospital so I can send you a fruit basket?

As far as ferrying in a canoe with you, I hope that that is not some kind of gay come on, Bates Alan. Sorry, I do not swing that way! Not that I find fault in those who choose such a lifestyle, but I am a straight man.

I cried when I saw the state of your suffering in the pictures you sent, Bates Alan! May I ask who the fetching lady is by your bedside? Va va voom! I'd love to tap that ass! Forgive me if she is your loving wife. If so, would it be too forward of me to request your permission to contact her after you die? Of course I'd allow her a couple of weeks to properly grieve your loss first.

Now on to the business at hand. I'm a little concerned about you having so much trust in your lawyer. I mean, what kind of incompetent boob must he be if he cannot fulfill the task of donating your money to charity himself? You say he is in Europe...would he happen to be Polish, by chance? Of course I have the interests of the needy at heart. I'd hate to see them deprived of your riches. And I have to admit I could use the $1.8 million commission. That's an awful lot of lap dances! So please tell me how we proceed from here before you croak, Bates Alan.

Respectfully,
Rick

Sadly that was the end of our correspondence. I don't think he thought I was serious.
9 Comments
 
What you should know about rice
05.18.05 (12:56 pm)   [edit]
You know how nurses go around schools checking for nits and lice? They use these long sticks to comb through the kids' hair. They're kind of reminiscent of chopsticks, which the Chinese use to eat their staple food, rice. Rice grains themselves are small, not unlike lice, and the two are similar in shape. Come to think of it, the Chinese have an awful time pronouncing the letter "r" when speaking English, and it ends up being pronounced as an "l", making a word such as...ummm...let's say rice sound like lice. Just something to think about the next time you reach in the cupboard for a box of Uncle Ben's. I mean, there are other sources of carbohydrates, protein, fiber and vitamin E, you know?
12 Comments
 
Ten More Ways To Get An Elephant Into A Car
05.11.05 (3:15 pm)   [edit]

This one is for EvilEye because she likes elephants. I'd say it's more of an unhealthy infatuation, but who am I to judge? I actually wrote these many moons ago...

I stumbled across the homepage of two zany English schoolgirls and saw that they had brainstormed 62 Ways To Get An Elephant In A Car.

However, I think they forgot some of the more obvious ways to get an elephant into a car. Also, they did not specify whether we're talking about an Asian or an African elephant, so I'm rather limited as to how much help I can provide. Here we go anyway..




  • Eat it. Then get in the car yourself.


  • Borrow Monica Lewinsky's car. If she can get in, an elephant should be no problem.


  • Empty the ashtrays and glove compartment to free up space.


  • Put on a female elephant costume and pose seductively in the back seat. (From there, you're on your own!)


  • Send the elephant to clown school. You can fit oodles of clowns into a clown car.


  • Revoke its bus pass.


  • Designate the inside of the car as an elephant graveyard.


  • Pitch a Big Top tent in the car and open a circus.


  • Drive the car into the elephant, then turn them inside out. (My head hurts trying to picture if it would actually work. It makes sense if you pop a couple of the blue pills first.)


  • Think of how not to put an elephant in a car, then do the opposite.
38 Comments
 
Of Elephants And The Arts
05.09.05 (4:17 pm)   [edit]
You know, not once have I seen an elephant while visiting an art gallery. I'm not referring to paintings and sculptures. I mean actual elephants. This only leads me to the conclusion that elephants just aren't patrons of the arts. Either that, or the doors aren't big enough for them to get in. I bet most architects don't even take that into consideration when building galleries. In this age where it's politically correct and even mandated by law to provide accessibility for one and all, they really have no excuse. You know, come to think of it, I don't recall ever seeing an elephant in a place of worship. Stupid atheist elephants. Screw them! Let them build their own art galleries.
6 Comments
 
Battling rays of death
05.08.05 (12:17 pm)   [edit]
I can understand being afraid of the dark. Although you're not really afraid of the lack of colour, but what might be lurking unseen in the darkness. But now with the depletion of the ozone layer, we must be wary of the light and especially rays of light we can't see that emit from the sun. Well, I have a solution to the ultraviolet ray problem. If we stick a series of prisms in our atmosphere and have the UV light refract through them to mix with the correct combination of green and red light that we can shine down and refract through separate prisms, having them merge to form a series of pink rays, no one will ever be struck by an ultraviolet ray again. And if somehow, these new pink rays turned out to be fatal, well...we'd pretty much be wusses and deserve to die, right? I mean, pink rays? Come on!
20 Comments
 
Metal Plate
05.05.05 (2:19 pm)   [edit]
I keep telling kids that it's not polite to laugh at people with plates in their heads. Then I stick another refrigerator magnet to my head and they can't help themselves.
3 Comments